Image: Witte Museum
Do you ever set your life to music?
Like this morning, for example. If my weigh-in had been a scene in a made-for-TV movie, there would have been circus music playing in the background. Under the big top, indeed.
Allow me to share the bullet-point version (feel free to hum along):
Made sure to be as efficient as possible in the loo, if you know what I mean. (And I think you do.)
(From here on, speed up the music because being efficient in the loo doesn't always equate to being quick. So I was racing against the clock. Also known as "trying to get ready before Eloise and Posey start raking their sippy cups across the bars of their cribs.")
Moved 72 bulky bath items blocking the scale.
Positioned scale for best potential reading.
Stepped on scale.
Reacted in shock when number was 7 pounds lower than previous Wednesday.
Stepped off scale in disbelief.
Noticed scale flashed this odd symbol -- > [
Assumed that meant "low battery" and realized 7-pound loss might not be accurate.
Flipped over scale to see what batteries were needed only to discover weird 3V disc battery.
Major disappointment. Until . . .
Suddenly remembered seeing weird 3V disc battery in broken indoor/outdoor weather station thingy last week.
Raced to get new-old weather-station battery.
Fumbled with removing scale battery until sweat beads formed on forehead.
Finally gave up and gave in to the notion of running downstairs for a knife to pry out the battery.
Headed to kitchen, scale in hand, and easily pried out the battery.
Left old scale battery and knife on kitchen island -- briefly considered bringing knife upstairs, but didn't.
Ran (okay, trudged really fast) back upstairs.
Popped new-old weather-station battery into scale.
Repositioned scale for optimum readout.
Stepped on scale and saw, "Lo."
Stepped on and off 18 more times.
Eventually became convinced that old battery must not have been low, and with no idea what [ meant, still needed to determine actual weight.
Made peace with knowledge that a shower would not be in the cards.
Back downstairs with scale to get knife to wedge new-old weather-station battery out and get old scale battery.
Switched out batteries again, and at the same time, read back of scale for instructions.
Saw the words, "Uneven surfaces may cause inaccurate readings."
Knowing the floor in the upstairs bathroom was far from even (thanks to a toilet overflow situation last year), decided to place scale on kitchen floor.
Saw reading of -22 pounds.
Picked jaw up off floor, then proceeded to test weights in every square inch of kitchen/laundry room/powder room.
Got -22 to -20 readings everywhere on first floor.
Danced DANCE OF JOY!!!
Struggled with thinking of explanation for 20-pound difference in scale readings between second floor and first floor.
Baby monitor causing scrambled signal when scale is upstairs?
What was my true weight??
Fantasized writing blog post outlining newfound revelations for World's Fastest Weight Loss.
Suddenly remembered weighing on doctor's scale recently.
(Cue circus music slowing dramatically here.)
Reminded self of 113-year old floors throughout current home.
Plodded lethargically upstairs with scale.
Visually lined up scale in spot to be meticulously recalculated for every future weigh-in.
Stepped on and off twice more.
Settled on 2-pound weight loss as that's where fluctuating numbers seemed to average out.
Heaped on deodorant, got dressed, and scooped up kids just in time to start the next act.
And, so. That's the very long, very detailed way of announcing that I *think* I lost two pounds. Hey! I'll take it! And I'll celebrate it, even though I'm already nervous that next Wednesday may find me on the sidewalk in front of the house, in my nightie, at 6:00 a.m. trying to get an accurate reading. Good thing it's warming up around here.
Does this mean I need a new scale or a new bathroom floor?