Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The staircase in our house is a little treacherous compared to modern ones. The steps are narrower, they're slightly steep, and there is a bit of a twisty turn at the top. They have also been an ongoing project since we moved in almost two years ago (apparently restoring them to their original glory after 113 years is pricier than just building a whole new staircase. Who knew? Oh, and let's pretend we don't see the dust on them either, k?).
So even with our added safety measures (new spindles to fill in the wide gaps and an additional handrail), we get nervous when Eloise is on the stairs. Especially because she has a tendency to look all around while she's heading down them. She'll turn and look behind her, down, up, you name it. Just about every direction except where she's supposed to be looking.
Because of that, Paul and I find ourselves constantly telling her, "Pay attention to where you're going!" And as I uttered the words the other day, I realized that I was giving her the wrong advice. I really needed to remind her to pay attention to where she was. Looking ahead was where her eyes needed to be, but we actually wanted her to be mindful of where she was at each moment as she descended the stairs.
And, by gosh, if that isn't a metaphor for this journey.
It's so easy for me to get lost in emotional beatings over how I got to where I am now. Or to fantasize about all the things I'll do when I'm finally thin. Don't get me wrong -- I think having some imagination about what my life will look like, when I've finally achieved that magic number on the scale, can be perfectly healthy. As long as it's not at the expense of living my life today. Sometimes it's easy to put off things that I probably could do now by using the excuse of my weight. Or my insecurities. (But, really, I can't pull off a pixie cut when I'm nowhere near pixie-ish, right?)
Living in this very moment, when it comes to weight loss, is so . . . hard. I'm not alone thinking that, am I? But, I just can't do the regret any more. At the same time, coming to grips with the length of time this weight loss may take me makes me slightly nuts. I'm typically thinking along the lines of: How can I get there faster, faster, faster???
Then a good friend, who has experienced a significant weight loss, told me that, although it has been slow, she has enjoyed the journey. Imagine that! Enjoying weight loss! There's a concept, huh?
But, honestly, today, I'm right there with her. I may be feeling a little bruised physically, but mentally and emotionally, I haven't been in such a great place, day to day, with food since . . . ever?
I'm learning and growing.
Loving the support from people I've never met as well as good friends and family.
Getting inspired from stories similar to my own.
And constantly looking around . . . looking around me to savor exactly where I am right now.